Breakups are messy for everyone, but I wouldn’t be Alicia if I didn’t take things a little out of proportion. With very pitfall and heartbreak I face, something grows and expands into something other, thus awakening the monster from within: Sad Alicia.
Sad Alicia’s hobbies include crying, drinking, eating, hugging EVERYONE, and mistaking flirting for friendly banter, ultimately putting your faithfully nervous writer into some pretty unsavory situations. The damage control is extensive and stressful.
Sad Alicia doesn’t go out much, but when she does she hangs out at home during the day and the gay bar at night. On special occasions you can see her wandering aimlessly around the local “novelty” shop giving unwanted and strangely specific advice to the other customers.
She once ate lunch in the bathroom for a month to hide from confrontation. But in the shadows of the night, Sad Alicia was enpowered. Equipped with the courage of anonymity and the power of passive-aggressive posting, she made Tumblr her bitch. For Sad Alicia, everyone was The One, anything means everything and the world is always on the brink of disaster.
Once in a fit of blubbering rage Sad Alicia decided to search for love. She swiftly stopped after meeting a man, six years her senior, who promised “I don’t need anymore children, baby, at least not now. You don’t have to be a mother yet. High school comes first.”
That scared the shit out of her.
Just when you think Sad Alicia has crawled back into the dark chasms from whence she came, she comes back with a furious vengeance. Sometimes she sneaks out at night and eats a full container of Palmetto Cheese (“The Pimento Cheese with Soul!”) all while singing “Careless Whisper” by George Michaels on loop.
When Sad Alicia emerges, the world ceases to function. Hair goes unwashed and laundry is left undone until swimsuits become underwear. She is an enigma. She is a nightmare. She is the reason potatoes and pizza are the most crucial elements to my personal food pyramid.
Or at least that’s what I tell people.
Today is Valentines Day. Today Sad Babies everywhere unite to kick down the doors of self-control and whine with wine and chocolate.
Today is the day we hide from the world and cry together.