“The College Experience” is otherwise known as the “I can touch people without consequences” state of mind. It’s a concept that baffles some and tempts many. As a hopeful little child, I thought college would be an oasis of opportunity to get that sweet, sweet male attention that I so desperately desired. After arriving, I made the discovery that the sparkly fantasy I held dear is, in fact, a filthy lie.
Going to a bigger university would admittedly make things easier. I would have frat parties to attend, a campus to scour and football games to ignore as I chug cheap beer and chase meat-heads.
But to be perfectly honest, that just sounds like a fucking nightmare.
I’m terrified of being drugged, have no concept of athletic comradery, and unwanted physical contact makes me nervous. Unfortunately, these are characteristics make up the foundation of their most beloved activities.
For this and other academically relevant reasons, I chose to attend a private art school. While I don’t regret this decision, I quickly realized upon arriving that I was doomed to spend my four years swimming with fish that follow a different current than mine – a current that likes penis.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS AND I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH. In my mind the perfect mate would be an outlandish and outspoken drag queen, but somehow I feel like that relationship wouldn’t work out.
Maybe it’s because I have a vagina, but I digress.
There are some people that seek my genital makeup, but they don’t meet any of my needs apart from that. I thought college would be casual yet more often than not I find the boys not looking for a fling, but a full-fledged commitment. Sorry, Buster. I don’t want to move in with you if I don’t know your middle name.
When I do find the casual kids they prefer the “hit it and quit it” method, whereas I have recently begun to prefer the “intermittent face smashing” technique. I lack commitment and enjoy consistency. College is not a good time to seek this; in fact, I would argue that it’s the worst time for this.
But knowing is half the battle.
I will never meet my knight in glittery armor and that’s okay. College is for education and that’s how it will stay. Maybe, when it’s convenient, someone great will come along and together we can cause some truly wonderful chaos.
Until then, I will stay alone with my laptop and my withering sanity, writing in peace.